:deuceweb.blog

So there I am, sitting in the bathroom, doing what you do when you sit in the bathroom, and I hear someone walk in. Not abnormal in and of itself, but then I hear the new arrival talking. He is on his cell phone. In the bathroom. The conversation proceeds thusly:

New Guy (NG): I just left you a message on your cell, did you see my number come through?
Poor Guy on Other End (PGoOE): I don’t think so…what’s up?
NG: Hang on a sec, I’m in the bathroom.
PGoOE: Ok…..
NG: Yeah, I’m going to the bathroom as we speak.
PGoOE: Really.
NG: Yeah, just a sec…FLUSH….yeah, ok…what’s going on?
PGoOE: Did you really just talk to me while taking a piss?

Is this common? Is this normal behavior to be on your cell phone while going to the bathroom? What is the decorum for someone else in the bathroom when this is happening?

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I can’t be the only person to read that headline and think “At least they have more organ donors now.”

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I’m sure I’ve been annoyed by this in the past (since lots of weird, mostly pointless things annoy me), but this week it’s been especially prevalent. Let’s say I’m walking down the hallway at work, or an aisle at the local grocery store…suddenly, my quick, progressive walk is reduced to a mere crawl. Much like driving during rush hour on I-696, I’m stuck. The cause of said slowdown?

Large, slow moving fat people, that’s who. Abbreviated to LSMFP, these individuals are a daily nuisance to getting things done. They slow down the progress of individuals who are trying to get somewhere in a reasonable time frame. I understand that it hurts when your thighs rub together, but get out of my way.

Instead of only complaining about LSMFP, I’m going to offer some solutions, as follows:

1. Guess what? LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
2. Much like the HOV lanes on highways, why not create LSMFP lanes in stores, workplaces, and public areas?
3. Grocery stores can appropriately organize their products. For instance: Twinkies, ice cream, and candy can all be located in one aisle. That way when I shop for the healthy food I buy, they are not in my way.
4. Create a heavy crane system with multiple arms that carry the LSMFP around inside a store or workplace and only set them down when they need to be somewhere. Then the crane picks them up (out of my way), and moves them to their next destination.

I think these solutions would appropriately address the proliferation of LSMFP and help reduce traffic jams caused by them. You can thank me later.

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At the client I’m currently working for, there is an online “Q&A” forum where individual employees can post questions for management. Sometimes there are absolute gems, such as:

is there a benifit that helps to pay my spouses education?

If I were to create a response, it would be something like:

Yes, there is a benefit like this for employees. I would also recommend you look into it for yourself, based on your skillful use of the English language and spelling ability (or lack thereof).

This is why I don’t want to actually work for this client.

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I’m writing this to inform you of the never-ending amusement that comes from your efforts to make me add you to my “friends” list. The absolute best (and most common) ploy you attempt is creating a profile with the picture of an attractive girl, then sending me a friend request. Being male, I am compelled to see what sort of whacked-out, crazy female individual would send me a friend request, but not send a message. Oh, but your trickery does not end there, no sir.

When I get to the profile of said attractive girl, you have ingeniously used one of several methods to induce me to further my pursuit of information, including:

• A link cunningly placed in the profile’s “About Me” section, enticing me to “Click here for my nude pics!”
• Blocking the entire profile with a full-screen image that, when clicked, will supposedly allow me to view the hundreds of thousands of “adult profiles” that MySpace is so famous for allowing nude pictures in
• Encouraging me to sign up for an e-mail marketing campaign

And many others…..

I am also surprised at the apparent lack of intelligence in my fellow male brethren. If the number of friends each of your imaginary attractive girl profiles has managed to attract is any indication of common sense, the majority of my gender has little to none. Seriously, do the guys that show up as friends of these girls really think she is an actual person? Moreover, based on looking at some of the pictures for these guys, do they honestly think a real girl that attractive would randomly send them a friend request? Lastly, do they truly believe that by posting comments like “Your so hot, I wanna to bend you over” or “I bet you look better sittin’ on my face” will make the girl like them (goes back to believing she’s a real person, but whatever)?

Obviously, you have found a winning formula:

Stolen pictures of attractive girls from the web
+
MySpace Profile
+
Links to sites where people pay to see naked women
+
Men with no common sense
=
Profit

Well, I’ve figured out your shrewd little game. Your fraudulent profiles and trickery do not deceive me, and I will not be taken in by your clever ruse. It may still pay to send these out, but save yourself the time and effort of including my profile in your attempts.

Oh, and I hope you die a horrible death.

Thanks!

Joe

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